Month Long Sigh

It has been a while since I’ve written anything. Not for want of thoughts, let me tell you! There’s a lot going on in my mind. Most of it has to do with cell injury and neoplasia right now, but that’s not the only thing racing through my brain.

I guess I’m at this point where I’m wondering (yet again) how to keep moving and pushing and motivating myself more throughout the process of studying for “part 1 boards” (thanks, Goljan)! If you read my last post you might have detected some excitement with regard to studying for the medical licensing exam. It was there, that excitement. But it has since waxed and waned, then returned like the phoenix from the ashes—then died again, etc.

Part of me enjoys having nothing to do all day but study and challenge myself with questions. But when I do abysmally on said questions, I get kind of freaked out! I mean, my natural inclination is to lock myself into a room where I can cry. But so far I haven’t reacted with that much extremeness. I just keep going, even if it means my path review book is now tear and coffee-stained.

The whole process of medical school has had me on my knees wondering, “Can I do this? Should I do this?” Before medical school my level of self-doubt had never skyrocketed to such a degree. I grew up with the mentality that I was ever capable and brilliant; that I should reach for the stars and one day float lightly throughout the galaxy. I like that image, but at this point I feel like I’m pretty far from the Milky Way…

But, the human spirit is an incredible thing. It’s the very thing that keeps me running in the morning and studying right after. 12 hours of using my brain and wondering, hoping if it will pay off—if I’ll be able to impress some residency program with a 3-digit score that somehow brands me “competitive”. This is the dream. But, it’s almost a little bit shallow. Reduced to a number. People like to talk about how degrading beauty contests are because they reduce women to a score based on various criteria. Isn’t this a little bit like that? Aren’t my colleagues and I being further homogenized and reduced to a score by our performance on Step 1?

None of my musings “matter” in the grand scheme, however. By the time board exams are “revolutionized” I’ll probably be retired and living in Tanzania (the dream!) or running a successful eco-boutique (other dream)!

And it’s not so much the homogenization or shallowness of the process that has gotten to me—it’s the indescribable loneliness of being inside your head for 12-hours a day, often with very little human interaction. I’m surprised by my reaction to this reality, being an only child and all. I can only wonder if it’s a little bit like having locked-in syndrome, but being able to move, talk, etc. If I could convey my sorrow in a blink, I would. And then I would hope that it would be blinked away afterwards. Sometimes that is the extent of my bummed out mood, but sometimes it lasts longer, and I wonder and keep hoping that this feeling of isolation and deep focus pays off. It’s not that I don’t study with friends sometimes, or even around other people, it’s the constant preoccupation with remembering, synthesizing, regurgitating, and striving to be impressive; to feel that all of this torture in medical school is a means to an end.

I don’t know whether this means I’ve bought into the shallowness or not, but at least I’m being honest. I’m scared! My heart races when I check my scores on USMLE World. And the only time I’m truly happy is when I’m running. It’s the only time that I don’t think too hard about anything—I just let whatever I’m listening to sink in as my muscles contract to the rhythm.

Be still, my beating heart. I am trying not to worry too much—to use the heavily tested “mature” coping mechanisms, but I’m having a hard time.

But, whatever it takes, I’m still fighting, moving, pushing, and HOPING for some feeling of redemption at the end of this month. In the end, I hope I at least impress myself. Maybe that’s the real challenge. All the expectations high-achieving people place on themselves is really incredible, and maybe even potentially damaging. Cause for pause.

I think I just checked myself…